Go grab yourself a copy of the new ESM. Buck has a full page of editorial, Rob Brown has a ESS Ad, Chris Tucker has a Hyperflex ad, Chris Kelly had the Ocean Minded ad, Brian Robinson has a Who Da Guy and Marley Peck has a little photo in the Blah Blahs… ENJOY!
It has been said that America is a melting pot of cultures. It has also been said that this blog post is a melting pot of content because I am saying it right now. Here is a story about his mullet, some photos, and a video!
First, the story.
A Boy And His Hair: A Parable
Orange County, California. Shiny luxury automobiles growl through the streets as commuters try not to spill artisan coffee on their crisp leather interiors. The commuters are important or at least they must be. The sun glistens softly through the palm trees and brings an embracing warmth to the air. Suddenly, a boy emerges. He walks with a relaxed confidence. With every step, his feet strike the ground both sternly and lovingly all at once. A gentle wind tickles the beaver tail that is his haircut, rocking it to and fro.
The mullet has always been an immensely significant, yet frowned upon, shard of American History- like the slaughtering of Native Americans, except it’s a hair style instead of genocide. Proudly wearing a mullet inducts you into a fabled club. In the same sense that a hipster knows EXACTLY the right filter to use on Instagram, a mullet club member instinctively knows which burlap sack to use on the Fun Slide at a county fair. They know an excellent plate of nachos from a good one. They know that you don’t really have to be a guest to use some of the amenities at nice hotels, and they know that it’s OK to park on the wrong side of a non-busy street. The hipster may make it to the “Popular” page on Instagram, but nobody is getting down the Fun Slide faster than the guy with the mullet. Nobody.
Now a video so you (sort of) know what I’m talking about.
His Mom was a bit critical of the video:
Mullet-less, yet still in the club, Ryan embarked upon a spiritual journey to his native lands of Florida for a Pro Junior in New Smyrna. The spirit he embodied was one of a competitor, and with such ferociousness he surfed his way into the first Pro Jr. final of his career. He may not have won, but it has been reported that he was a standout amongst the extracurricular activities of the night.
Surfline applauded his efforts. Here’s the worst photo of the sequence that they ran, and a picture of him grabbing his dong. Also, a photo from his extracurricular commitment.
Surf Expo is like a spiked hair style- really gay (meaning happy- let’s face it… You gotta be pretty damn happy to willingly make it look like you are wearing a porcupine on the top of your head). That happy-fest that is expo means three days of business meets party, party meets business, and waking up to drink a coffee, trying desperately to convince yourself you’re not hungover the next morning- a cycle of gayness. Beckoned by business, the perennially happy ERGO sales team came out to expo for the fun and games (and sales). Accompanying the sales team was a sturdy mix of happy folks from various other branches of the ERGO tree. I don’t want to get too into detail now, so I’ll let 6000 words worth of pictures do the E-talking:
Just two gay men in a van.
The media sometimes portrays Sunny Garcia as a serious, edgy tough-guy. Here, Sunny ditches his alleged role and goes gay for Tommy Ihnken and Mid-Atlantic sales rep Mike Beech.
Surf photography is the kind of art that has the power to tickle a wide variety of people. When this tickling power is complimented by complimentary pretzels, popcorn, AND refreshments, beautiful things happen. ERGO made some beautify on Saturday night at the Transcend The Delusions Surf Photography Slide Show! It was a happy time.
The doors opened at 7, and the line was thick and enthusiastic with fans of the arts. The slide show got cranking shortly thereafter and boy did it tickle the crowd. It featured some of the best surf photographers in the world, showcasing their unique styles of documenting the strange things that happen in the ocean. A highlight of was Brian Beilman’s exclusive Andy Irons tribute section. If there’s one thing in the world that can successfully incorporate Bruddah Iz singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow without seeming corny, it was this tribute. Although all of the photographers photos tickled, the AI tribute touched, and not even in the Penn State way. Another highlight was Mez’s song, LISTEN HERE.
The hero of the night was ERGO megafan turned intern Ryan Mack. He’s only 16 and becoming one of the best photogs in the state. His photos started off the slide show, and boy did they tickle! He was so excited on the night of the slide show that he even offered to individually put mustard on everyone’s pretzels, although no one took him up on the offer.
Brendan Buckley scored a photo in this months ESM, on his trip to the Dominican Republic. He also wrote the story. Is that 2 ESM’s in a row with Buck photos and story??? Yeah Buck! Go grab a copy and check it out!
Did we mention that ERGO staff photog Joe Foster shot the cover!
Sweat lined his brow. His greasy pony tail glistened softly in the low light of the musky office. The hourly rates of the motel were posted on the wall. “You sure it’s just two of yas?” “Yep. I’m sure.” He was flustered. Confused. Where was the hooker, he thought. Why would these two young men choose to spend the night here at the Plantation Motel in Island Park, New York? Nevertheless, he handed over the grimy key and spent the remainder of his shift watching whatever bad movie TNT was featuring on a 10 inch moniter and answering texts from his T-Mobile Sidekick.
Five of us sneak into the crack den of a room, succumbing to the third-hand smoke from the 3.5 billion cigarettes that had previously been smoked in there. Menthols. Marlboro Reds. Even the comforter on the bed had lost the battle to cigarettes, as it’s ugly colored cotton had been burnt by the bastards, searing holes through the bodily secretion encrusted scum-carpet of a bedspread. We turned on the TV. Porno was on. After several nauseating seconds of a chubby buck-toothed brunette with glittery lips, we decided the TV was best left off. I set my sleeping bag on the floor, thankful for the first time in my life to not be on a bed, and fell asleep.
The next morning, we got lots of fun waves. I’d chalk the trip up to be a great success. -Buck
When the gentlemen at ERGO decided to send the whole team out to Vegas, it almost seemed like a fairy tale. Las Vegas. The place that even Barbara Streisand can always sell out. The place of Eastern European folklore. The place where people come and try to woo women with the massive amounts of money and foolish bets, failing to realize we all pay the same price for hookers anyway. And most importantly, the place where the Blue Man Group finally found their home. And we were all to be sent out there to enjoy a week of…Vegasness.
Contrary to popular belief, nothing that was anything like “The Hangover” happened. However, in the name of stupidity and negligence of most forms of responsibility being cool, here is a list of things that did happen:
- Scott, the intern, rode home on the roof of Joe Mac’s car, grasping on for his life along the 50 mph road. (without anyone in the car knowing)
- Popular rap artist Juelz Santa tried to fight me.
- Dingus flipped the dune buggy.
- Rob Brown skated hard every day, resulting in a series of half-conscious groans on the last morning as he twisted and turned in bed, always finding a new area of his body to aggravate.
-Norman Woods and Kris Markovich had a highly anticipated beer drinking contest. Kris won all rounds, but Norman would still make 99% of the population look stupid. (Video coming soon)
- Lil D entered a surfing competition at the Mandalay Bay wave pool. After taking 1st place and a $500 check, he decided that he would use the money to go to Hawaii to tackle the big waves of the North Shore.
- Everybody went out under the blank of Las Vegas’ arid heat, gambling and sweating and sinning, enjoying every breath of the oxygenated evil jungle. Some went home with extra money. Some went home in hawaiian shirts. All went home with a smile